Revision
He wears her gift, a bracelet
of Tahitian pearls, around his ankle
and nothing else. A naked artist.
She wears her European dress,
not a pareu. It angers him.
He paints to regain his paradise.
Original
He wears her gift, a bracelet
of Tahitian pearls around his ankle
and nothing else. A naked artist.
She wears her European dress
and hears beyond this hut. She hums.
He paints to regain his paradise.
Brings me back to the peaceful side of the 60’s, a Our House by Crosby. Stills and Nash kinds vibe.
Interresting scene, Phil, I can see it. You catch a moment in time.
I did wonder if this line would come across better if you were more specific?
What is she listening too?
For me this is too vague. I get what you are trying to do with minimalism but actually it approximates showing without showing imo. Where is this hut? Who are they? Their relationship? She gives a bracelet from tahiti and wears a European dress. Tho i confess i am not sure what a European dress is. What does she hear? Is she listening or only hearing? The last line hints at some colonial situation but only hints. At the moment they are vague cyphers rather than people. This is promising but requires more for me
Oh and a comma after pearls is necessary imo
Cheers Tom. I checked out the song. Good one!
Phil
Cheers David. I agree that needed to be elaborated or removed. Chose to do the latter!
Phil
Thanks Dave. Appreciate the specifics. I’ve tinkered, cut, and changed the title. Still clinging to minimalism!
Phil
I liked the way you matter-of-factly write, “this angers him” (that she wears a high-necked dress) instead of a pare. She’s asserting her independence from him. Her desire to turn his gaze away from her. And it makes him angry.
You’ve packed a lot into such a small poem. I don’t think I would add anything to it. Very fine write!
Cheers Trish. I like your word independence. Made me think of what painters frame and what painters leave outside the frame.
Phil
I like this revision, changing that one line, it adds drama, tension.
Good points David. Especially the reference to tension.
Cheers
Phil
Good rewrite. Small but significant changes
Cheers Dave. Thanks for revisiting and the initial nit crit nudges! Appreciated.
Phil