A flock of dandelion seeds
uplifted by late spring
lightly lingered defiance
across the backyard.
Let nature roam for cracks in concrete, the voice said.
But seriousness no longer
mapped this hour –
fingers peeled a tangerine
and shared a segment
with my dessicated self.
Original
Adolescence was a length
of clock watching and studied sulks,
until a Saturday afternoon
when a flock of dandelion seeds
uplifted by late spring
lightly lingered defiance
across the backyard.
Let nature roam for cracks in concrete, the voice said.
But seriousness no longer
mapped this hour –
fingers peeled a tangerine
and shared a segment
with my dessicated self.
I see a relationship with the dandelion seed in S1 with the desscated self in S2, both seeking a self to be nourished by submitting the randomness of nature for their fate. A crack in a sidewalk for one the nourishment of a fruit for the other.
I think you could start S1 at line 3 (a flock of…). Even though I like the prosy language in those lines I felt that the rest of the poem set the same mood as those lines and didn’t need to be directly said in L1-3. Just my thoughts. Nicely done.
Me, weighing in again with the minority view. I prefer the bones of the original poem, as it roots these feelings in the angst of coming-of-age. I like the second version stanza breaks, though.