Seeing the Light (revision)

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1

Revision

Light taunted through the stained glass
of the cathedral. Not mine, it was His craft.

A cunning shadow prompted me
to pocket these stones. Could I mean

to destroy so artlessly my Creator’s art?
‘Of course,’ the shadow freely laughed.

The laughter lifted the weight of stones
back into earth. I hurried home

for my craft, though humble, gave His light
to my task. I heard no shadows laugh.

.
.

Original

Light taunted through the stained glass

of the cathedral. His craft, not mine.

A cunning shadow prompted me

to pocket these stones. Could I throw?

1 Like
2

This starts well I thought but the question at the end feels like a tease to me. The honest answer is: I have no idea and reason to wonder. In my opinion the poem needs more to make it work: who is the N? What is the relationship between the N and the church. The light taunted but I am not really sure why or how. There is some intrigue involved and maybe the weakness is in me but it feels underdeveloped. Sorry. But thne again maybe I am missing something.

3

Cheers Dave. Very helpful. I have duly tweaked.

Phil

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I’m afraid its a bit too nebulous for me Phil. Is this a glazier jealous of another glaziers work and would break the window if there wasn’t someone watching? I think there is more here than meets my eye and, if there is, I need a little understand it.

5

Thanks Tom. I’ll have a think about foregrounding the circumstance.

Phil