Revision
His happiness he said depends on egg
and oven chips, where yolk runs red with sauce.
She ponders love. The vows, and no tears shed,
no end. She wears his vest of ketchup stains.
Original
His happiness he said depends on egg
and oven chips, where yolk runs red with sauce.
She ponders love. The vows, and no tears shed,
no end. He wears a vest of ketchup stains.
I really like this snapshot of a relationship. It’s unusual, different. It works for me.
I wonder if ‘a vest’ might have more impact if it became ‘his vest’?
Thanks David. Your focus on that detail triggered an idea. Too much?
Phil
Might try putting this into 2 couplets. I think it would separate the two independent thoughts and without losing a link between the two.
For me this has a wowen are from Venus and men from Mars vibe. Two peeps at breakfast together with completely different thoughts.
Cheers Tom. Duly separated!
Phil
I like the revised version, Phil.
Great! Thanks for coming back David.
Phil