Revision
Like coffee, the adrenaline
thrilled her,
then afterwards, the dryness
of regret
layered her tongue,
seeing herself kicking
the urn
of her father’s ashes.
He painted two hands
to shutter
her ears. He did not
look, but heard.
Original
Like coffee, the adrenaline
thrilled her,
and afterwards, the flatness
of regret.
Fur layered her tongue
and then, a memory
of mum licking the urn
clean of dad’s ashes.
He painted two hands
to shutter
her ears. He did not
look, but heard.
Having a hard time cracking this open Phil. I’m assuming one of the references is for the EdvardMunch painting and I see that connection in S3 but can’t get see how to get there from S1&2. I’m stuck on what a fur layered tongue means. Just my thoughts, could be I’m not picking up on something that is obvious to others.
Thanks Tom. I’ve expanded the title, tinkered and removed ‘fur’ etc. Sometimes the aftertaste of coffee in the mouth is unpleasant and the phrase ‘furry mouth’ or ‘hairy tongue’ is used to describe the unpleasantness. Essentially the mouth drys because of tannins. A slant on what triggers what in ‘The Scream’.
Hope that clarifies some.
Phil
For me reads much better now. Nicely done.
Cheers Tom.
The revision is better-- ‘dryness’ for ‘flatness’ and so on.
There’s a lot going on here that I struggle to bring together. The change of title helps.
The ‘and’ before ‘afterwards’ connects ‘adrenaline’ to ‘regret’ (is that just my impression?) If there’s not meant to be a connection, then I’d remove the ‘and’.
Thanks David. I’ve edited the and.
Cheers
Phil