Instead of God I have an orange

Poetry Original Works - Post Your Poems
1

Revised version

Eating an orange in moonlight I am
surprised
by the conjunction of these two spheres
my thoughts and senses
orbit
their oomph and zest and zing
I find pleasure in being weird
being curious
and comment to myself on the experience
a sailor of the mind exploring altered consciousness
carried along by the urge to understand
the mysteries of origins and existence

I worship as I eat
making an orange the centre of my universe

First version

Eating an orange in moonlight I am
surprised
by the conjunction of these two spheres
I become my thoughts and senses
caught up
in their oomph and zing
finding pleasure in being weird
being curious
and commenting to myself on the experience
a sailor of the mind exploring altered consciousness
carried along by the urge to understand
the mysteries of origins and existence

I worship as I eat
making an orange the centre of my universe

2 Likes
2

Orange as Koan! Nicely done.

3

A sailor of the mind. I like that image.

Being a writer/poet lets us think these things without feeling weird, or wondering if we should be locked up :wink:

1 Like
4

Good poem David. Fun and resonant.

Some thoughts/options…

The lack of punctuation didn’t complicate the read. Like the quirkiness of the title. The closure statement reminds me of Bob Mortimer, which is a thumbs-up.

Cheers

Phil

1 Like
5

Like the revisions, David, the way you’ve removed a gerund here and there and tightened. I like the poem before, but it has just reached a level of complexity and wonderfulness with these changes.

1 Like
6

And oh yes! the title!

7

I’m glad oomph has not been lost. Can’t say why, but then that is poetry!

Phil

1 Like
8

I like this too David, The awareness of what happens to you is what you are doing.

9

Sorry I am late to the party. An out-of-mind experience without leaving the body. I like it. Imagine if the Narrator had not had an orange. :grinning:

Very good writing, David.

T

1 Like