Under a banyan tree, a cowboy eyes his tethered mare as she turns her head
to gaze at me watching from my car.
Blue asters turn their faces to the sun.
My neighbor unlocks her mailbox.
At four o’clock, cows walk up from the pasture.
A teenager was pulled from icy Lake Crescent yesterday morning,
still breathing.
I picture the firefighters’ reassuring hands
Powerful understatements. A striking collage. Marcel
Lovely Trish, captured my attention.
Wow! That is all I can say. You acknowledge the mundane we all live until something like a near-drowning shakes us awake.
Thank you, Marcel, Tom, Von — I’m glad the shock of the near drowning (true story) came through
Enjoyed Trish. The detailed observations, the imagined one at the end, and the teenager seeking adventure. My only suggestion is trudge/slouch/slumber rather than ‘walk’.
Phil
true, cows don’t exactly walk, more like a ramble/amble with frequent stops to eat…good advice, I appreciate it.
I like what you’ve done here Trish. How the world continues to turn for some meanwhile nearby tragedy is unfolding for someone else. The whole poem feels like a metaphor of life.
Hmmm, I love “slumber” as a verb for cow walk… Thanks, Phil.
Thank you, Niall! I really appreciate your feedback, you know that
Enjoyed this Trish. A tone of detatchment throughout, broken in the last line by that act of imagining.
Drop the last line was offered on another thread and i could imagine doing so or at least removing the weak ‘I picture’ which ruins the picture for the reader. The rest is strong
Dave, the firefighter has reassuring hands is how I ended it.
That was the crux o the whole poem as I intended it, not a nostalgic look at small-town life;
rather, how beneath the exterior of placidity a life-and-near-death experience of a teenager. So I kept the line.
I appreciate the read and suggestions.
A teenager was pulled from icy Lake Crescent yesterday morning,
still breathing.
I picture the firefighters’ reassuring hands
Trish, just a thought seeing as a few others have commented on your last line. It may simply be the change of viewpoint which is making them stumble.
All the way through you are writing from the omniscient ‘gods eye’ viewpoint, whereas the last line is personal viewpoint
Maybe…
A teenager was pulled from icy Lake Crescent yesterday morning,
still breathing. Safe in the firefighters’ reassuring hands.
Gyppo
Hi Gyppo,
One person stumbled, or two, if you also stumbled, but I am going to keep it as is, I don’t see it as a stumbling shift from omniscience, because the viewpoint of the writer is expressed through her ownership of the view: “…as she turns her head to gaze at ME, watching from MY car.” And MY neighbor unlocks her mailbox at four." etc.
I do understand what you’re saying, but I wanted the narrator to be inserted right there.
She wasn’t present when the kid was pulled form the lake. But she can imagine the firefighter, etc., but ‘safe" isnt’ quite what I"m intending.
I appreciate reading and comments, but sometimes you gotta say, nope, this is what I intended.
Thanks, Gypp!
Trish.
Congratulations. Seriously. A poet with the courage of her convictions. It’s quite rare, which is why some poems end up ‘re-written by committee’.
I didn’t stumble whilst reading it, but the comments made me start over-analysing.
Best wishes,
Gyppo