It is kind of heavyweight, isn’t it, I think people can figure out it’s in New Orleans. Good to see you here, Niall, and thanks for the great feedback.
After being busy with the NaPo challengs I came back to this. Reads even better the second time. Just a small suggestion I think you could reduce S5L1 to “drinking black Manhattens”. But, you know, that’s just my minimalist thinking.
Drinking black Manhattans in the French Quarter with Gramma --priceless. You set the scene wonderfully. You let the reader into this intimate moment, but not all the way–and that is how it should be. I would honestly love to what you cut. Of course this is clearly out of bounds, but I would like moment to last a bit longer, if that makes sense.
It makes perfect sense, and it’s not out of bounds at all. I’ll have to go look at the original; all I moved was a little fluff, but I think you’re right, it could be enhanced just a little. I’ll have a little think, as Roger Fizzerton (remember him?) used to say.
I enjoyed this touching poem a lot. I would suggest trimming some obvious words that dont add much and are obvious such as ‘less than now’ as very little is the issue or least swap them arounddrop ‘one evening’ S it is in the title. Leaving out ‘together’ in standing together as it is redundant. I would Julia to your first mention of your grandmother as it feels like the second grandmother is a different woman. Or just call her Julia here. Drop ‘I know’ the next words make that obvious by themselves and anyway it is unimportant what you know. It is important what you can’t remember. All of this is just opinion of course. Others will think differently.