Heifers (revised)

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1

Revised

The daughters took the Drover’s Road.

All huddled close, all branded meat,

no milk to nurture herds. The mothers

lifted their heads and turned to me.

.

No longer myopic. They stared.

.

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Original

The daughters took the Drover’s Road.

All huddled close. Their sweat spoke meat,

no milk to nurture herds. The mothers

lifted their heads and turned to me.

.

No longer myopic. They stared.

2

Very expressive and pastoral image created here Phil. I likey but am hung up on the “sweat spoke meat” connotation. Thinking these Heifers are being raised for thier meat instead of milk and the N is coming to get them?.

3

Thanks Tom. I feel I need to foreground the trust/betrayal intent on this one.

Phil

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cows ARE trusting…and their trust is so often betrayed. I love the poem, this is a good example of not telling but showing us.

5

I like this version better. Thumbs up edit IMO

6

Spot-on Trish, trust/betrayal, those eyes!

Phil

7

Thanks for the revisit Tom and the :+1:.

Phil

8

A strong and expressive poem. A lot said in a few lines. I personally found the sentence on myopia intrusive despite the effect you want it have. A cold human word that has much less power to haunt than the simple ‘They stared’, which I found more moving.

9

Cheers Dave. I’ll have a think about ‘myopic’.

Phil

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I like the revised version, Phil.
The minimal style works for me, and you allow the images to do the talking, I like that.
The end line, umm, I agree with others about ‘myopic’ I’d think about ending with

‘lifted their heads and stared at me.’

11

Thanks David. I’ll cut myopic. Can’t access the revision option at the moment.

Cheers

Phil

12

I like either version. “Branded meat” goes much further–so many connotations to “branded”. My take on myopic is that it is a projection from the N who is, to my read, the drover. Beings who feed on other beings–a human dilemma for many of us.

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I love this, Phil. For reasons I can’t explain, cows are a never ending source of of interest to me (had two, growing up that I deeply loved, and I appreciate the cow-ness you’ve captured here. I believe that during the War, whenever on his farm, Churchill used to stand at the fence and stare at them. I understand that totally.)

I read this aloud twice, and I also liked it very well without the last line.
Great write.

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14

Oh, I see David, had the same idea about last line.

15

Thanks Linda. You’ve picked up on the inferences. The German word for meat is Fleish: Rindfleish (beef). I have a photograph of a cow looking over a barbed wire fence and staring at me. It had personality. The German word and the photo were the origins of the poem. In my mind the cows stop the ‘myopic’ grazing, the human looks beyond the word meat .

All the best

Phil

16

Thanks Trish. Pleased you connected. I like your word cow-ness . I’ve dropped the word myopic, a sort of branding word. At this point, I’m tinkering with another last line because I didn’t want to lose the slow physical weight of that cow-ness.

The daughters took the Drover’s Road.
All huddled close, all branded meat,
no milk to nurture herds. The mothers
lifted their heads and turned to me.
Now chewing the cud. They stared.

Cheers

Phil

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