At Least Yours had a Song, Buk

Poetry Original Works - Post Your Poems
1

Note: Inspired deliberate nod to Charles Bukowski’s “Bluebird”.

.
There are no bluebirds in my heart.

No chickadees
or starlings.
Just an empty

cage, with dried
blood and feathers.
Someone

crushed the thing
bare-handed, twelve years ago.
On purpose, not like Lenny.

I still don’t
have the nerve to look-
there may be bones.

I don’t clean
or put another there
with fresh millet or new paper.

I don’t use
that corner anyway.
Nothing sings.

A cricket comes,
once- I think it might
stay, its tiny violin

a thing of beauty
in that filthy
place. I say,

thank you,
mr. cricket, for the music.
But he moves on.

My family, they worry.

Call, stop by,
ask so many
questions.

I make a quilted
cover for the cage,
sneaky-like

pretend
there’s life inside.
I sew and paint. I am

so damn artistic.
It looks as if a
healthy bluebird’s there,

I guess.
From a distance.

I say, I’m fine–
It’s nothing but
a burden anyway,

who wants it. I’m too
old and busy, it’ll
only die.

Besides, I don’t need
a bluebird
in me

anymore,
do you?

2

Man, Sharon,

I think I should be mad at you. I’m compelled to comment, but like any real piece of art, commentary only distracts. So, I’m left with the option of picking out a few lines to demonstrate what a sensitive reader I am. uh huh, or cheat you with what will sound like canned praise, “it’s beautiful and touching and thought provoking”. I’m stuck with the later; it’s all those things.

I have one niggle, the last two lines: they feel a little heavy-handed. Maybe just, “do I?”. Just where my head goes. I sincerely love the poem.

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3

I agree with Marc on the quality of this poem, just tremendous. It is a courageous statement, an invitation to all of us go deeper.

I also tripped on the last two lines. Would consider seeing how the poem feels to you if it were to conclude with this strong declaration:

It feels to me like this is the natural conclusion of the poem, with the merest droplets of tantalizing ambiguity left for the reader to cogitate on. The (curent) last stanza feels like it lets the air out of the balloon. Just my view.

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4

Thanks a bunch, Marc and Tracy. So… the ending lines are super important to me, since the poem is trying to be derivative, I really wanted to find a way to echo Buk’s gut punch at the end of “Bluebird”. Here’s the poem, I’ve always been so touched by the way he ended this write. The tenderness and raw vulnerability in:

“weep, but I don’t
weep, do
you?”

is something I admire. I want to keep it, but I must have to find a different way to say it/use it. Thank you both so much for your comments and help here!

Bluebird
Charles Bukowski

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I’m not going
to let anybody see
you.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he’s
in there.

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?

there’s a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I’m too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody’s asleep.
I say, I know that you’re there,
so don’t be sad.

then I put him back,
but he’s still singing a little
in there, I haven’t quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it’s nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don’t
weep, do
you?

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5

Thanks for posting, and the education. I was not aware, but now am. I see your intention. I will consider this in new light. Be back when I have a better informed opinion.

Cheers.
T

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6

ditto what Tracy said. For what it’s worth. I think yours is the better poem. :slight_smile:

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7

ditto what Marc said. And the closing absolutely has to stay as written. Buk’s closing phrase “do you?” feels flippant, like a throw-off between bar cronies. But your use of the phrase is much weightier. Like the reader is being asked [challenged] to an impromptu evaluation of their own life. Heady stuff, S.

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8

Tracy, thanks so much, I might still consider how I have it currently framed since originally it hit both of you in a similar manner, and that’s very valuable to me. I still want to keep it, but I might have a play with how, we’ll see.

I’ve always liked the effect of over-protestation in poetry, how it so effectively shows the opposite. For me, the “do you?” also touches me in its insecurity, the narrator wants to seem callous but the need to know if the audience feels the same exposes how very much the n indeed cares.

Thanks so much for your thoughts and comments here!

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9

Marc, my goodness thank you-- that’s pretty high praise, bc I certainly don’t feel anything I scribble might be better than Bukowski! It’s funny, I don’t just love him, but “Bluebird” has always touched me, especially due to his rough ways. I appreciate the kind words!

10

The Bukowski refernce aside, I really like how this piece speaks to how things we try to bury remain to haunt us. Well done.

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11

Thank you very much, Tom

12

A wonderfully confident piece of writing, evocative, emotional while also raising emotions gently and letting themm settle back…

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13

Hiya Dave, thanks so much. I appreciate your looking in