We walk the sandy path between dry grasses,
follow the dune beyond its tapered elbow,
sink into the unsettled shore and rise again
to descend towards the flush waves breaking.
Our breaths weigh heavier than usual,
and we speak in awed whispers to see
sky here form a dome of blue and orange,
draw aspiration heavenwards as if light
were tangible and all dimensions one.
Hi Dave
‘tapered elbow’ that was a creative image, but then it was followed by the prosaic ‘unsettled shore’ . The '‘awed whispers’ were very telly and mention of a dome/sky just too familiar. Overall, and not surprisingly, the ‘awe’ was not felt or translated in the imagery. The more grounded S1 felt more authentic.
Hope that helps some
Phil
My favourite lines, Dave.
Thanks for the comments and Phil, yes I really appreciate the incisive advice. Back to the drawing board. Much appreciated.
I too think this piece seemed to be trying to hard to reach the conclusion of the last line. I think trimming some of the adjectives would help. I did like how S2L1 brought me the thought that the breathing of the couple was matching the motion of the waves and thought this was going to be further explored to some version of an epiphany. Just my take, there is something in this worth pursuing so don’t trash it.