Rain has a different sound
falling on cement,
turning an ugly patio
briefly,
gorgeous.
My grandmother and I
have stepped outside to sit
on wet deck chairs,
smell the Louisiana morning, she says.
Her rooms are mostly empty
bu she’s settling in, I hope.
At twenty-one to her eighty-one,
I can’t imagine a future for her.
But she enjoys turning very old.
orr so I thought.
Tired of rural life, Julia returned to the city she came from.
She lights a cigarette and passes it to me.
"You didn’t know I knew you smoked,"she laughed.
She’s smoked for decades.
Her skin is very wrinkled.
Grandmother, you know, they say the more things change,
the more they remain the same.
No, she shakes her head,
the more things change, the more
they become unrecognizable,
even my own hands,
until the image of me
as a young girl is only a distant memory.
Some thoughts Trish. Enjoyed the connection between the two age groups, despite the context of change (particularly that disorientating disconnect of unrecognisable.)
I agree, Phil, thank you, I’m seeing other things I can improve. I’ll keep tinkering.
I’m so glad to be here and get this kind of feedback.
Trish
I feel your revisions have delivered a more focused poem. Personally, I would post an original version underneath the revised version. This allows readers to comment on whether they prefer the revised version or the original.
Hi Trish, if you are looking for suggestions, I had a few ideas while reading.
I put the changes in brackets-- just playing around, make the read smoother. I shifted the tense in first half to match the second half.
Rain (makes) a different sound
falling on cement,
(turns the) ugly patio
briefly,
gorgeous.
My grandmother and I
(step) outside to sit
on wet deck chairs,
smell the Louisiana morning, she says.
Her rooms are mostly empty
bu she’s settling in, I hope.
At twenty-one to her eighty-one,
I can’t imagine a future for her.
But she (seems) to enjoy (her old age).
Tired of rural life, Julia returned to the city she came from.
She lights a cigarette
and passes it to me.
"You didn’t know I knew you smoked,"she (laughs).
She’s smoked for decades.
Grandmother, you know, they say the more things change,
the more they (stay) the same.
No, she shakes her head,
the more things change, the (harder
they are to recognize,)
even my own hands,
until the (memory) of me
as a young girl is only a distant (image).
I enjoyed the storytelling and the personal connect. As all poems it works best when it shows more and tells less. With respect to the last 2 lines rather recommending cutting or keeping i think you reflect on what they add or take away and the added factor is worth it. Also does it fit to the style and form or does it intrude? The lines are telly and comes as commentary as if the rest could not speak for itself: do you want that? I would the same for some line endings
The last two lines, which I considered to be essential to the poem, maybe e telly, if you look at them as simple declarative sentences, but if you maybe read further into it, as I intended, the ff’s were able to rescue the teen (true story) by pulling him out, which certainly required strength. . I’ll think on some of the other suggestions and I do appreciate them.
That’s what I like so much about this site.
Thanks.