A Child Colours (revision2)

Poetry Original Works - Post Your Poems
1

Revision 2

I’m growing up, putting on my face,
acting my age. My mum gets loud.
I nod and understand. I’m quiet.
It’s not the time. I misunderstood.

I wash away my lipstick lips
and mascara mess. I hang
the summer frock of being her.
I wear a paler face like dad.

Revision

I step on wrong, and it explodes
my ‘at play’ hour. My mum is loud.
I nod and understand. I’m quiet.
It matters not. I misunderstood.

I wash away my lipstick lips
and mascara mess. I hang
the summer frock of being her.
I wear a paler face like dad.

Original

I step on wrong, and it explodes
my cloudless blue with blitz loud
questions. I nod and understand.
It matters not. I misunderstood.

The slap’s a vermilion blaze, my face
no ghostly pale. The flower blooms.
I plop the petals into blue,
pull over a purple cloud.

2

Lots of colorful phrasing in this Phil but, at least for me, a bit too abstract to connect too.

3

Not to be a copycat, Phil, but my feelings are similar to Tom’s.

4

Thanks Niall and Tom. Appreciate the honest feedback.

Cheers

Phil

5

I really like the second stanza and in particular the closing line is great.
I’m struggling with the first line Phil, I just can’t form an image of what is taking place.

6

Appreciate the revisit Niall. I agree, the opening needs revisiting.

Cheers

Phil

7

R2 is a cleaner read for me. I read this a boy dressing up like a girl and the mom being upset and tells him to stop. And he does but still feels a desire not to.

8

Cheers Tom. Yes, the poem has evolved to identity issues.

Best

Phil

9

Beautifully done. You are definitely there with the latest revision. I like the quiet subdued tone of this, the child questioning, accepting, questioning…I’m glad you removed the “matters not” . It seemed a false note.

10

Cheers Trish. Pleased you picked up on acceptance/questioning. Will have a think about the ‘matters not’ phrase.

Phil

11

I thought you had removed it, sorry, Phil, my mistake. It seemed a false note, that a young girl wouldn’t express it that way, but in some parts of the world, maybe she would.

12

No, thanks for highlighting Trish. Adopting, but not understanding adult phrasing, is part of ‘growing up’. Whether the poem can deliver that anomaly and sound authentic can be an issue. Anyway I’ve tweaked.

Cheers

Phil

1 Like
13

Revision 2 for me Phil. No trip hazards.
I love ‘the summer frock of being her’

1 Like
14

Cheers David. I think the poem has benefitted from a few pointers!

Cheers

Phil